So let me get this straight. You meet a man and you fall in love. He proposes and you get married. Somewhere in that time, you move in together. Then one of you wants to have a baby. In this case, the first one to bring it up was me. 

I’ve always known that I wanted to have kids. Eventually. I thought I had it all planned out. I was going to graduate high school, go to college, and get a good job. Then I was going to find a man, settle down, and start a family. It was going to be in that order.

Plans change.

Plans change and that’s ok. I graduated high school, found a man, moved in with him, got married, and started college. But somewhere in there, I decided that it was time for us to have a baby.

At first, he wasn’t on board. He was already over the age of 40. He already had a child. And he has a skin condition that he already passed down to one kid and he didn’t want to pass it on to another. I didn’t blame him. I saw what the condition did to him and his daughter. The constant itching. The seeping. The red patches covering the majority of his body. The pain. Fortunately, she doesn’t have it nearly as bad as him. So there is hope that our child wont have it.

He pondered the idea for a while and finally agreed. I figured that it would be easy. Penis, vagina; sex; sperm, egg…BABY!!!! Apparently it doesn’t work like that. What in the hell am I doing wrong? Maybe I don’t know how to have sex right? Is that even a thing?

My periods have been jacked up since I first started. I was put on birth control for a year to regulate them. Then I was put on medroxyprogesterone (Provera) to regulate them. Now, I just have very irregular periods. I’ve seen numerous doctors. None of which have found anything wrong with me. Hell, even one doctor said I didn’t even need to have a period to get pregnant. I just wouldn’t know when I was ovulating.

But the problem is, I had no period for a whole year. And I have been on my period off and on, more on than off, since the end of November. I have another appointment tomorrow afternoon, so we will see how that goes.

Anyway, we have now been trying to conceive for the past 5 years.

It has caused some terrible fights. Threats of divorce have been made. I’ve “changed”my mind numerous times about having a baby. “I want a baby, but not with you” has been said a few times. And I regret it.

But we aren’t giving up.

At least I’m not.

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